Life lessons I look foward to teaching my son one day....
I am not yet a father but some day I hope to be. I would very much like to have a son to pass on my awesome knowledge about awesome stuff. I would be ok with a girl, but a boy would be so much awesomer. Also, I want to name my son Austin Cooper Sganga so that he will be A.C. Sganga(just like A.C. Slater). I can't do that with a chick.
Awesome Lesson #1: Cap'n Crunch is overrated.
Cap'n Crunch is a very good tasting cereal but is not worth the hastle. It gets stuck to the roof of your mouth and becomes a pain in the ass. Better cereals include Fruity Pebbles, Cookie Crisp, Count Chocula, and Trix.
Awesome Lesson #2: No fat chicks!
Even if you are heavy it is possible to get a good looking girlfriend. And if you say all that matters is personality you are a fucking idiot. You aren't going to waste your time getting to know a girl's personality if she is not attractive enough to talk to. The main point is that you can always improve your situation.
Awesome Lesson #3: Your father is a great guy.
(I know someone is going to debate this and be a dick.....A.K.A. Brian and Matt)
My son is going to worship me. Mainly because I gave him the gift of an awesome name. Also, because I am going to lie to him. He is going to think that I played minor league baseball, made-out with Jessica Alba at a party, and that I beat up a whole frat just because they were a frat. If these 3 lies do not do the trick, I am fully prepared to make up more awesome lies.
Awesome Lesson #4: Sports are good for you.
Being an athlete on a team has always helped me in life. I do not remember a time where things were made harder for me just because I was on a team. A little hardwork at practice will go a long way. Especially if you have a teacher who follows your sport and is very impressed with your play. Also, if you get really good you could make a lot of money. And even before the money you get chicks. Do you think Reggie Bush (the RB at USC) has to try to get chicks? Even the ugliest mothafuckas can get chicks if they are athletic.
Awesome Lesson #5: Fighting is gay!!
I read an article on CollegeHumor.com a while back and it explained this awesome lesson perfectly. It begins with the 2 of you checking each other out and then deciding to "get it on". Then there is a little foreplay (shoulder bump, etc..). After this you 2 are all over each other getting sweaty while screaming and moaning. The next time you see this guy it is gonna be awkward just like it would be seeing a girl for the first time after a one night stand. The only fighting I will accept is going to be in a ring or in a cage. That's it, bottom line.
Awesome Lesson #6: Nobody likes a cocky asshole.
There are numerous people from high school that I don't ever want to talk to again because they were assholes. It is one thing to be proud in your accomplishments, but unless it says on your birth certificate "God's gift to the world", and is signed by the big guy, you are no better than anyone else. So treat people with respect before they beat you up and you appear gay.
Awesome Lesson #7: Guys don't wear pink!
I will admit that I have worn pink. But I have worn the shirt maybe twice and now it just collects dust in my closet. It doesn't make you seem more manly if you can rock pink shirts. And I have never seen a guy in a pink shirt with 5 chicks hanging all over him. The only way you can do this is if you are an awesome athlete with mad cheddar, and mulit-million dollar businessman, or Brad Pitt.
Awesome Lesson #8: Make friends with everyone you can!!
It never hurts to have a lot of friends. And you never know when you might need somebody's help. You will have your really good friends that you can always count on, but you will have your friends which are more of acquaintance. You never know when you will need the help of these friends.
Awesome Lesson #9: Go ask your mother!!
I really don't care if your friends sleep over. Go ask your mother!! You want a puppy?? Go ask your mother!! Wanna make bombs in the garage?? Go ask your mother!! The only things that you are allowed to bother me about are: the birds and the bees, sports, and being awesome.
Awesome Lesson #10: Beer is your friend!!
When you get to your late teens you are going to start drinking. Don't be the faggot drinking wine coolers. That is gayer than fighting. Drink beer because even if you don't like the taste now, you will like it more with each sip. Liquor is ok but not everytime you drink. Beer is a necessity if you are going to drink.
Awesome Lesson #11: Cartoons!!
You are never too old for cartoons.
Awesome Lesson #12: Being a nice person gets you places.
High school was a breeze for me because I was a nice guy. I never mouthed off to a teacher and I made sure that they liked me. I wanted to be there favorite student even if I was an idiot. If people like you then you can get away with more shit than the average person. So be likable because it will help, especially in high school.
Awesome Lesson #13: Having a good time is as important as getting your work done!!
People need to let loose every now and then. It is a necessity that some people don't realize. If you are all about work than you will not only be unhappy, you will suck and general. And if I raised you correctly you do not want to suck. You want to be awesome like your father.
Awesome Lesson #14: Nerds are made good stoned!!
According to the clerk at the C-Store, "Nerds are mad good stoned". I agree. Just to let you know some other good foods while high are twix, cheetos, and ice cream.
ok.....I've run out of lessons for now. But these are enough lessons to help my kid become pretty awesome. So when I am going to introduce you to my son in the future, be prepared to meet someone who is awesome.
Awesome Lesson #1: Cap'n Crunch is overrated.
Cap'n Crunch is a very good tasting cereal but is not worth the hastle. It gets stuck to the roof of your mouth and becomes a pain in the ass. Better cereals include Fruity Pebbles, Cookie Crisp, Count Chocula, and Trix.
Awesome Lesson #2: No fat chicks!
Even if you are heavy it is possible to get a good looking girlfriend. And if you say all that matters is personality you are a fucking idiot. You aren't going to waste your time getting to know a girl's personality if she is not attractive enough to talk to. The main point is that you can always improve your situation.
Awesome Lesson #3: Your father is a great guy.
(I know someone is going to debate this and be a dick.....A.K.A. Brian and Matt)
My son is going to worship me. Mainly because I gave him the gift of an awesome name. Also, because I am going to lie to him. He is going to think that I played minor league baseball, made-out with Jessica Alba at a party, and that I beat up a whole frat just because they were a frat. If these 3 lies do not do the trick, I am fully prepared to make up more awesome lies.
Awesome Lesson #4: Sports are good for you.
Being an athlete on a team has always helped me in life. I do not remember a time where things were made harder for me just because I was on a team. A little hardwork at practice will go a long way. Especially if you have a teacher who follows your sport and is very impressed with your play. Also, if you get really good you could make a lot of money. And even before the money you get chicks. Do you think Reggie Bush (the RB at USC) has to try to get chicks? Even the ugliest mothafuckas can get chicks if they are athletic.
Awesome Lesson #5: Fighting is gay!!
I read an article on CollegeHumor.com a while back and it explained this awesome lesson perfectly. It begins with the 2 of you checking each other out and then deciding to "get it on". Then there is a little foreplay (shoulder bump, etc..). After this you 2 are all over each other getting sweaty while screaming and moaning. The next time you see this guy it is gonna be awkward just like it would be seeing a girl for the first time after a one night stand. The only fighting I will accept is going to be in a ring or in a cage. That's it, bottom line.
Awesome Lesson #6: Nobody likes a cocky asshole.
There are numerous people from high school that I don't ever want to talk to again because they were assholes. It is one thing to be proud in your accomplishments, but unless it says on your birth certificate "God's gift to the world", and is signed by the big guy, you are no better than anyone else. So treat people with respect before they beat you up and you appear gay.
Awesome Lesson #7: Guys don't wear pink!
I will admit that I have worn pink. But I have worn the shirt maybe twice and now it just collects dust in my closet. It doesn't make you seem more manly if you can rock pink shirts. And I have never seen a guy in a pink shirt with 5 chicks hanging all over him. The only way you can do this is if you are an awesome athlete with mad cheddar, and mulit-million dollar businessman, or Brad Pitt.
Awesome Lesson #8: Make friends with everyone you can!!
It never hurts to have a lot of friends. And you never know when you might need somebody's help. You will have your really good friends that you can always count on, but you will have your friends which are more of acquaintance. You never know when you will need the help of these friends.
Awesome Lesson #9: Go ask your mother!!
I really don't care if your friends sleep over. Go ask your mother!! You want a puppy?? Go ask your mother!! Wanna make bombs in the garage?? Go ask your mother!! The only things that you are allowed to bother me about are: the birds and the bees, sports, and being awesome.
Awesome Lesson #10: Beer is your friend!!
When you get to your late teens you are going to start drinking. Don't be the faggot drinking wine coolers. That is gayer than fighting. Drink beer because even if you don't like the taste now, you will like it more with each sip. Liquor is ok but not everytime you drink. Beer is a necessity if you are going to drink.
Awesome Lesson #11: Cartoons!!
You are never too old for cartoons.
Awesome Lesson #12: Being a nice person gets you places.
High school was a breeze for me because I was a nice guy. I never mouthed off to a teacher and I made sure that they liked me. I wanted to be there favorite student even if I was an idiot. If people like you then you can get away with more shit than the average person. So be likable because it will help, especially in high school.
Awesome Lesson #13: Having a good time is as important as getting your work done!!
People need to let loose every now and then. It is a necessity that some people don't realize. If you are all about work than you will not only be unhappy, you will suck and general. And if I raised you correctly you do not want to suck. You want to be awesome like your father.
Awesome Lesson #14: Nerds are made good stoned!!
According to the clerk at the C-Store, "Nerds are mad good stoned". I agree. Just to let you know some other good foods while high are twix, cheetos, and ice cream.
ok.....I've run out of lessons for now. But these are enough lessons to help my kid become pretty awesome. So when I am going to introduce you to my son in the future, be prepared to meet someone who is awesome.
posted by LUNCHBOX at 3:23 PM
3 Comments:
haha you are suck a loser!!!! Its nice to see what you have planned for are children! And I came up with the name Aston!!!! I love you!!! Oh and by the way-You have way to much free time!!!!! Nerd!
Aston as in like fucking Sean Astin. For real dude, Rudy is the slowest paced movie of all fucking time. Fuckin ewwwwwwwww dude
if u want to make ur son awesome than just tell him to be like his uncle matt and his fake uncle brian......thats really the way to go
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