Tiger Woods Ya'll

Fuck yea Tiger Woods has 9 mistresses. He probably has more. He is Tiger FUCKING Woods. Dude is a billionaire. Let me repeat that BILLIONAIRE!!!! Why are his mistresses coming out? They are fucking dumb. Get together and fucking blackmail him. I wish he tried to fuck me. I would make bank bro!!
I used to think he was a dick because he didn't wave at me at the US Open, but he didn't look at the crowd because he wasn't sure if it was one of his mistresses yelling to him. I like him so much more now. He is finally a normal professional athlete. I bet that he has numbers that compare to Wilt Chamberlan.
Now I'm gonna leave you with a joke from Conan last night. It is great. "One of Tiger's mistresses is a british sports writer. He calls her the "British Open".

Jesus Christ..........

Well I do a lot of smoking drugs and sitting around. So that means I do a lot of deep thinking. And I really believe I figured out the true story of jesus.
We will start at the beginning. Mary......roofies and/or acid. I hate to say it but the facts fit. She just doesn't remember having sex because she was knocked out. And it wasn't God's baby. The guys real name was Rod. And the angel that came down to see her was all sorts of pretty colors and was just a piece of trash in a tree....acid.
Ok. That covers his birth. And once he was born he became the first magician. I have seen Chris Angel walk on water. It was all magic tricks. Jesus was just the first one to do any magic tricks so he gained a big following. He pretty much started a cult without the killer punch.
In the bible they talk about him turning water to wine, or so I hear. I've never actually read the bible because I have friends. In the Bible they didn't write about his other tricks. Like the one where he pulled a boquet (don't think I spelt that correctly) of flowers out of his sleeve. The apostles thought it was gay. Or the one where he made a gold coin dissapear only to find it behind someones ear. They thought that was just lame. He was a carpenter so he was able to make the first box where he was able to cut someone in half. Yea, Jesus invented that trick. And he was only a carpenter because magic wasn't making the bills dissapear.(haha. I'm really proud of that cheesy joke).
So his followers wrote a book about all the cool magic he was doing and the original name of the bible was "Jesus' guide to magic". Jesus later chose to change the name to "Bible" because that was the name of his childhood dog.
So that is the real story of jesus that i figured out. You're welcome.