Docor's Office

So I am at a doctor's office for the first time in what seems like years. I'm bored waiting for this N-word, and Pat wants more blogs so I'm just gonna sit here and write about things that happen.
Things that happened already:
-Asian kid just woken up from anestesia trips over lady's feet while trying to leave. Hysterical. Also, his mom had a disgusting cold sore.
-A hott chick was sitting next to me but she was definitly twitching. I didn't mind it but I wish she had bigger boobs so that they would jiggle.
-Another hott chick who is a nurse keeps coming in and out of the waiting room...she wants me.
-A third good looking chick is sitting to my 2 o'clock. She has a ring that goes over 3 fingers. I think it says her name.
-I get called into the back to see the doctor and my mom says "should I come with him?" And the hot nurse says to me "that's really up to you" like I'm fucking 5. She still wants me.
-This guy who is probably younger then me took my x-rays and could totally tell I was hi.
-My doctor asked me what I do and I told him that I'm a comedian. He thought that was awesome.
-So I need to get my wisdom teeth out and my doctor gave me a prescription for penicillin and vicodin and he said to pick them up before the surgery. My surgery isn't until the 23rd so I said "I'm gonna run out of vicodin before I even get the surgery. Can I get refills?" Then he took the presciptions back.

can't sleep

So I can't fall asleep because I slept until noon today and then I took a nap from 5 to 7. I'm not gonna fall asleep anytime soon so I decided to write a blog for my loyal fans.....both of you. So here is some shit that has been on my mind.

-I was watching the movie "Watchmen" last night. And I didn't watch the whole thing for 2 reasons. 1. The comedian died first. That is bullshit. 2. That blue guy was allowed to be naked whenever he was working in his lab. I saw plenty of scenes where he was wearing clothing. Even that banana hammock he was wearing was better than the nakedness. Fuck Dr. Manhattan.

-They need to make a new live action Ninja Turtles movie. With the technology they have today it has the potential to be a sick movie.

-I'm terrible at booty calls. I always call a girl while drunk on a saturday night and I am terrible at it. I'm never able to get them over that night. I think I'm asking the wrong questions. "Hey girl. I just got home from the bar. Whatre you up to....on tuesday? Wanna grab some lunch?" (new joke. Still working on it but that's the basic structure of it....comments?)

-FUCK JAY LENO. HE IS DESTROYING LATE NIGHT TELEVISION. YOUR TIME HAS PASSED. GET OFF TV AND LET CONAN TAKE OVER!!!!! Also, I think Jimmy Fallon does a really good job. Put Jay in Carson Daly's spot. Instead of "Last Call with Carson Daly" they can call it "Quiting Time with Jay Leno"

-I am obsessed with the idea of meeting a girl at a red light and sparks will fly. But it never happens. Everytime I pull up to a redlight and I'm next to a girl I can never get her attention. I smile and give her the nod. I even waive sometimes to try and get her attention but the light is red for like 2 fucking seconds. And when there isn't a girl the light takes half an hour and there is a 7 year old playing PSP who won't stop fucking staring at me from the backseat of his mother's minivan.

-Ray-J is the new Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav 2.0. He has so many STDs that he has built up an immunity to all disease and will live forever.

-Why are older ladies who pick up young men called "Cougars" and older men that pick up young ladies are called "creeps"?

-I don't go to clubs anymore because the age limits are wierd. 18 to party. 21 to drink. 23 to be creepy and old. (another new joke.....comments?)

-The Roots are crazy good (if you couldn't tell already, I'm watching late nite)

-My february 2nd show has been moved for 7pm to 8pm. Just letting you know.

Ok. That's all I have for right now. Goodnight.

2nd show....better than the 1st

As you can tell from the title of this blog, my second show was awesome. Thank you to everyone who came....all 65 of you.
Highlights from the show. The kid who played Louie in the Robin Williams movie Jack was there. His name is Adam Zolotin (I'm not sure I spelt it right.but look him up) and I thought his on stage presence was hysterical. Once again Jim Gaffigan showed up and I performed right between him and the closer Jim David....and I killed it. I'm starting to feel very confident on stage and everyone says that it shows. I'm probably gonna do another show there next month and I will do my best to keep everyone posted. Once again thanks everyone for coming.

Tiger Woods Ya'll

Fuck yea Tiger Woods has 9 mistresses. He probably has more. He is Tiger FUCKING Woods. Dude is a billionaire. Let me repeat that BILLIONAIRE!!!! Why are his mistresses coming out? They are fucking dumb. Get together and fucking blackmail him. I wish he tried to fuck me. I would make bank bro!!
I used to think he was a dick because he didn't wave at me at the US Open, but he didn't look at the crowd because he wasn't sure if it was one of his mistresses yelling to him. I like him so much more now. He is finally a normal professional athlete. I bet that he has numbers that compare to Wilt Chamberlan.
Now I'm gonna leave you with a joke from Conan last night. It is great. "One of Tiger's mistresses is a british sports writer. He calls her the "British Open".

Jesus Christ..........

Well I do a lot of smoking drugs and sitting around. So that means I do a lot of deep thinking. And I really believe I figured out the true story of jesus.
We will start at the beginning. Mary......roofies and/or acid. I hate to say it but the facts fit. She just doesn't remember having sex because she was knocked out. And it wasn't God's baby. The guys real name was Rod. And the angel that came down to see her was all sorts of pretty colors and was just a piece of trash in a tree....acid.
Ok. That covers his birth. And once he was born he became the first magician. I have seen Chris Angel walk on water. It was all magic tricks. Jesus was just the first one to do any magic tricks so he gained a big following. He pretty much started a cult without the killer punch.
In the bible they talk about him turning water to wine, or so I hear. I've never actually read the bible because I have friends. In the Bible they didn't write about his other tricks. Like the one where he pulled a boquet (don't think I spelt that correctly) of flowers out of his sleeve. The apostles thought it was gay. Or the one where he made a gold coin dissapear only to find it behind someones ear. They thought that was just lame. He was a carpenter so he was able to make the first box where he was able to cut someone in half. Yea, Jesus invented that trick. And he was only a carpenter because magic wasn't making the bills dissapear.(haha. I'm really proud of that cheesy joke).
So his followers wrote a book about all the cool magic he was doing and the original name of the bible was "Jesus' guide to magic". Jesus later chose to change the name to "Bible" because that was the name of his childhood dog.
So that is the real story of jesus that i figured out. You're welcome.

Everyone's a comedian...

So as mostly everyone knows by now I did my first stand-up show last week. And it went really well. But it has everyone I talk to trying out their jokes. A good number of you are really funny but there are some lame jokes coming my way.
After telling my aunt josie about the show she went the rest of the weekend trying to give me ideas about jokes. She said to me that I should "tell jokes about how I threw-up everytime I ate as a baby". I would make a joke about that but it is no laughing matter. Baby bulemia is a major problem in this country. Everyday thousands of babies throw up because they want to look good in their huggies.
And I have an aunt Barbara who is from brazil and is extremely wierd. She wouldn't leave me alone until I told her one of my jokes. But it is wierd telling jokes to family members because they really don't know how big of a creep I am in real life.
Danny B tells me a lot of jokes. I actually think he is very funny. Just wanted to add that.
I even had a friend last week who wanted me to read a screenplay that he and his roomates wrote. Because now that I had one 6 minute set on a monday night I am a big deal (sarcasm). But I'm sure it'll be quite entertaining because that is a friend who I do find to be very funny.

Comedy clubs are kinda bullshit. All the comedy clubs I talk to require me to bring at least 6 friends with me if I want to perform. But they want me to do that on like tuesday and wednesday night so its not easy. On a friday or saturday I don't think I would have trouble getting friends to go but during the week is hard. And they all have cover charges and 2 drink minimums. So they want me to bring in at least $150 to do 6 minutes of stand-up for free. I understand that running the club is a business but I feel like they really rip you off. So I apologize in advance for making you spend so much money to see so little of me. But the show must go on and I'm in the process of booking more shows.
The next show I have booked is january 5th at Comix. Gimme a shout if you can go. The club manager would like all reservations before christmas.
So to close out the blog ill leave you with a couple of jokes I have been working on. And feel free to leave comments of any topic you want to see me joke about.
-"My friend was seeing this girl for a while and she wouldn't have sex with him so I did him a favor by being a real creep to her so that he can protect her. But then I raped her. That's my rape joke." I didn't really do that.
-"So I just ran into a former drug dealer of mine. Looked like death. Business is bad. Thought he might stab me. Wet myself a little" that really did happen.
-I was at a bar and a drunk chick came up to me. And she asks what I do. When I tell her I'm a comedian she asks me to tell a joke. I tell her "you're pretty and I really like you"
-I love having a camera on my phone because girls never know that I'm filming. Ill be humping away and they'll look up at me and say "Whatre u doing with your phone. R u filming?" No I'm not filming. I'm texting. "O ok". I sleep with really stupid women.

Those are some jokes I am starting to work on. I love feedback because everyone is a comedian....Did u see what I did there? That was the title.

my first show

My first show went really well. I'd like to thank everyone who was able to come and also thanks those of you who supported thru facebook or phone calls. I'm gonna re-cap the show for those of you who were not able to make it.
I scored this gig because of my buddy Chris Cells. He is also a comedian and very funny. He performed two weeks ago at the same venue amd told the manager about me. Thanks chris.
So I got to the show and the first person I see at the club is mikey tuttle. For those of you who don't know him he is on the show orange county choppers. His father owns the business and they have been on tv for a long time now. He also performed. Wasn't too funny. But he did tell an awesome road head joke. I may actually end up on the tv show. I had to sign a consent form.
I go into the dressing room and I start taking pictures like an asian in times square. It was awesome. Then I saw the set list and I was going second to last. Right before the headliner.
Hanging out backstage was awesome. Everyone was a comedian so I laughed the whole time. It was awesome. I even met some contacts that want me for other shows. Very exciting.
About half hour before I was supposed to perform I was making a phone call to my good friend sean flood and in walks jim gaffigan. If you don't know him than you aren't a big fan of stand-up comedy. He is one of the best. He has done several comedy central specials and headlined many tours. He didn't really hangout with us though. I thought he might hang around for maybe 5 minutes and talk to us young comics but he just said "good crowd out there" and left.
So it finally came to my time of the night. And I was backstage before my turn and I wasn't sure how to prepare so I started stretching. It made sense at the time. I came out and my opener was a joke I made on the train ride in with cj, val, and mike. "This is gonna be a lot like sex. I'm gonna try really hard to make it last six minutes." The crowd laughed pretty hard at that. After that I fell into a grove telling the jokes I knew. I even talked to the crowd a little. The two dutch guys sitting in front loved me. That's why I'm already huge in holland.
Outside after the show I was calling my mother to tell her how well it went and an older gentleman came over to congratulate me and tell me how much he liked the show. He said the shy thing was good(because it was scary and I was looking down a lot) but I should look up at the crowd more. But fuck that guy. I was adorable.
So the show was a lot of fun. The manager loved me because I was able to bring so many people and he is gonna call me today to book more shows. I also get a dvd of the performance. Once again, thank you everyone and there will be more posts to inform all of you of shows I will be having.